you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
