i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
