I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
