god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
