I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
