Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
