U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
