you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Randomize
