I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
