How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
