woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
