Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
did you just send me my own nude
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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