Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
