My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
