There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
