I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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