For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
