I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
