What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
