Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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