I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
