Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
