we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
