she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
