shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I forget how to act sober
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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