peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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