Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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