Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
