I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
