My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
