I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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