Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
