If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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