cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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