Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
