I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
