I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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