Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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