MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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