I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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