the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
