Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
