Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
