It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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