probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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