I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my shit smells like andre
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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