he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
