Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
