i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
