I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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