I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
