I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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