How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
