:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize