how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
