I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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