i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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