Umm I'm too high to move.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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