Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so let's talk penis.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
