Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Someone came in the potted fern
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
