Soap is not a condiment
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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