I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
