He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
